The day without pictures

It should have been a different kind of day entirely. It should have been a bright, happy day. Instead it rained, stormed, all day, which was fine with me. It should have been a memorable day marked with photographs from every angle. Instead, I spent the day at home in my pajamas on a day that will be forgotten. There should have been gifts. There should have been flowers. There should have been introductions and smiles and joy. There should have been a new baby to cuddle and welcome into our family. Instead, there was the long stretch of a day that wouldn't end and was eerily ordinary, the same as every other day. Today was my due date...the day that "Asia" was expected to arrive and meet her big sister, Cadence. But she didn't come today. We lost her after only 12 short weeks back in the fall. On days like this, I can almost feel the putrid breath of our enemy on my face...the "thief who comes only to steal, kill and destroy"(John 10:10 NIV). I am reminded of how broken and fallen this world is...a world where babies die without even a birthday and where mother's arms ache with emptiness for the child who was loved and wanted and never held or kissed. Perhaps somewhere down the road, I will look back, with clarity, and see God in all of this. Perhaps when I look back, I will see God's back like Moses did. "When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back" (Exodus 33:22-23 NIV). Is that how it works? When life gets dark, is it only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? Do we not feel Him in the darkest times because that is when the evil of this world smothers us, threatens to extinguish our joy? When it seems like the dark is creeping up to swallow us, is it really just that He has put us in a cleft and covered us with His hand for protection? How long do we have to wait until we can see His backside glory? Until we get to Heaven? How I long for Heaven-where I can comfort and celebrate my children who live there...where I can look back on this journey with clarity. "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part but then I shall know just as I also am known"(1 Corinthians 13:12). Until then, life is hard.