I hate Mother's day. It reminds me of the babies that I didn't get to mother, or hold, or love...the babies I lost through miscarriage. And while I consider myself incredibly blessed to be Cadence's Mommy, silently I mourn the fact that my other children were taken from me far too soon. I would never have written that into the epic story of my life, but I do not hold the pen.
I heard about a family recently who tragically lost their one year old. I envy them. What I wouldn't give for an entire year with each of my children, to assure them that I love them...to delight in each of them, to permanently ingrain the details of their little faces into my memory forever, to have the closure of a body to bury at the end of a life, regardless of how short. The English poet, Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote that "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I do rejoice for the months I had with my children...the anticipation and expectancy and the joy over being trusted with a little soul were some of the highlights of my existence. I also realize that no amount of time would have ever been enough...the mother who lost her one year old wishes she could have just a little more time, as does the mother who lost her 34 year old daughter. Life is breathlessly short regardless of how many trips you take around the sun.
This week a dear friend unexpectedly lost her mom. Even though she lived her 70 years of life well, and is now fully alive with Jesus, her absence on this earth is profound. It forces me to think of my own finite in this world. If I were to die tomorrow, my two year old would have no memory of my presence in her life. There is so much that I wouldn't want to go unsaid. So today as she tore through the house, redecorating it with an entire can of wet wipes, I decided to start a letter to her of the things I would want her to know. I was given a "Mother's Journal" by Nana (Jody's grandmother) the year that Cadence was born (and the same year that Nana rushed off to Heaven). In it I have recorded her milestones and quirky perceptions on life from the perspective of someone who is brand new. I have now added an ongoing entry that I will add to as things come to me that I would want Cadence to know. Everyone should do this, really, to celebrate the days that we have on this earth and beloved people that will be left behind when we are gone. Mine started like this:Dear Cadence,
If I were to die tomorrow, I want you to know...
I wanted you with every cell of my being, and loved you to the best of my ability.
I hated mornings, but they got much brighter when you came along, bounding into my bedroom before dawn each morning, energetically greeting the new day and bringing new light into my life.
I prayed every night that you would outlive me and thanked God for another day as your mommy.
Being your mommy was one of my richest blessings in life.
I usually chose comfort over couture, much to the chagrin of your Aunt KK. It is ok to be yourself.
I loved to cook, creating delicacies out of thin air to share with others. I hope you will find your own passions and use them to serve other people...and think of me when you create.
You have the best daddy in the whole wide world...that is what attracted me to him when we first met (that and of course his incredible hair!). He was my soul mate. I hope that you will find yours and not settle for any old boy that comes along.
My love languages were quality time and acts of service. Find yours and use them to glorify God.
Sometimes after you had gone to sleep at night, when I snuck into your room to lay my hands on you and pray for you, I would pick you up and hold you, wishing that you wouldn't grow up so fast.
God made you and has a plan for your life. Find it and pursue it passionately.
There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Live a life of gratitude.
Love,
Mommy
XOXO
